RDI: "Watch and Learn"

In case you haven't figured it out, a HUGE part of our RDI Therapy is our training. We are learning how to be guides to a child who does not know she needs them. It's challenging. We are essentially changing the way we think in order to help to change the way Arden thinks.

Recently, we filmed ourselves interacting while eating dinner as a family and sent it off to Allison (our consultant) to analyze. Then she asked us to analyze it ourselves and report back in our online notebooks. It taught me a lot that I thought I already knew about our communication styles. Which was the point.

 I am not going to post that video here - but with her gracious permission, I am going to share some my written exchange with Allison. This is a long post but I think it offers a lot of perspective on the things we are working toward and why they are important.

Important side note: I cannot express how grateful I am to have Allison as our consultant (therapist). She is one of the smartest, most insightful people I have ever met and her place on Team Arden is a perfect fit for our family. I sincerely hope all families in an RDI program feel the same level of connection, support, and enthusiasm we experience every day. 

To set it up for you, our present objective has been to talk less and focus on facial expressions. We are learning to BE guides but sometimes I forget and assume the time has to be productive with regards to Arden, which is what Allison is reminding me. So here's my take on my communication style(s) as evidenced by the dinner video and then our conversation beyond. 

 

 

 

Jess: I believe I generally have a Mother Knows Best style, which basically means I am telling everyone what to do! (Classic firstborn, right?) I notice I make eye contact with everyone when speaking, which I always try to do - but use much more non verbals with Leslie. With Arden, I am trying to share the experience "want to try this? do you need this?" which is somewhat intentional. With D and Sharon*, I am verbal. [In all cases,] I do not wait in interactions, quickly moving on to the next thing. I definitely have a lot to work on.

 

Allison 4/30/2013 - Jessica, I think your analysis is really accurate, and there are some really meaningful insights in your response.  Your communication style with Daniel and his mom is different than it is with Leslie and Arden.  This is pretty typical, especially with younger kids because as parents we are still providing a lot of direction in terms of what they are doing and how they are behaving.  Some of this is inevitable and necessary, but we can also begin to think about communicating in a way that allows for more decision-making responsibility for the girls at times.  Especially for Arden.

You also note that you notice yourself using more nonverbals with Leslie.  I notice this, too...that it seems to come naturally to use nonverbals with her, more so than with Arden.  Between now and when we meet, you can be thinking about why this is.  I see this not only with you but with others, too. 

[It is hard] to slow down when guiding.  That said, so far what I have seen of you guiding Arden demonstrates that you are mindful about making a shift to a slower, more deliberate pace and style of communication at those times. 

Jess 4/30/13: I know exactly why this is - Leslie is actually looking at me and to me for information. She is clearly paying attention and learning from my nonverbal input. With Arden, my instinct is to try to control the situation by being louder and more forceful verbally, even though it doesn't work (nothing seems to work), and she is only recently answering questions and having some conversations with us.

I have to say that the novelty of being in a therapy room with you produces somewhat different results than with us at home - we just can't be in therapy mode all the time. And of course you know that already. I... welcome any help/ insights I can get! I'm still downhearted about things and I don't think I will ever get to a point where I am not spending 80% of my day putting out fires. Makes it easy to doubt my mothering skills.

AM 4/30/13:  You are absolutely right.  What things look like in the therapy room is not always an accurate representation of real life.  Conditions are controlled and kids pretty much universally act differently with a therapist than they do with their parents. :)  Keep in mind that this is more about what we are doing as guides at this point than what Arden is doing.  So, even if she isn't as responsive as we are ultimately hoping for, [you will have] an opportunity to observe me [with Arden] and see if there is anything you can take away from that. And it is a good opportunity for me to continue learning about Arden.  It is tremendously challenging to emphasize multi-channel communication with a child who is not giving a whole lot of feedback that it is appreciated or understood.  So it is not surprising that a tendency towards verbal, instrumental communication often develops.  In fact, this is nearly always the case.  In actuality, when kids are giving us feedback (or a lack of it) that tells us nonverbal communication isn't making an impact, that is often an indication that they need more exposure, more emphasis in order to make discoveries.  Does that make sense?  It is this same lack of feedback that, unfortunately, can also leave you feeling like you must be doing something wrong or missing something big.  Neither is true.  You are putting in more time, energy, heart, and thought into being a mom than most people want to or are willing to.  And it will show.  Your children WILL grow up one day.  Figuring out what it means for you to be a family with a child on the spectrum is a journey, though, and it will take time.

*my mother-in-law, Sharon, ate dinner with us that night.

RDI article "Stop Telling Me What to Do!"

This article is a great example of what RDI is and how we are learning to think differently around here. It takes a lot of practice. 

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I have been sitting here, looking at this blank space for a few minutes, trying to decide if I should share what I'm dealing with at the moment. It's my blog, so I'm going to.

Okay.

All children are different. Right? They learn at their own pace, they have varied strengths and weaknesses, they are all unique. Which I personally think is wonderful and normal and totally acceptable. And I hate it when we mothers compare our children - when did your child get teeth, when did she start talking/ walking/ reading. Then it's who's in preschool, who's in dance, who's in t-ball... and if our child doesn't measure up in some way (Shock! They are different?! What?) then we somehow aren't good enough as mothers.

We are buying into a lie - That our lives can and should look like anyone else's. That the way our parenting looks matters more to those watching than the way our parenting actually is to those we are parenting. The milestones have become a destination, a checkmark on the list of "ChildRearing" and the Great Mothers make sure their kids hit them early and are signed up for all the busy activities that are considered crucial to the child's well-being and proper development. 

Did I say I hate that? I do. I hate that. We should NOT EVER judge ourselves by using others and their children as the benchmark. Not ever ever ever. Ever.

Only guess what? Everyone does it at some point.

I do it, too.

Here's the truth: My child has autism and I stupidly measure her and myself against typical 3 year olds and their mothers. Anyone see where I'm headed with this?

A few friends are signing their daughters (who are younger than Arden) up for gymnastics and tumbling and t-ball and pottery painting. Fun little summer camps. Camps where the requirement is that the child is potty trained and can follow direction. For us, that's No, No, and um, No.

Not that I especially want A to go to these classes but I look at the classes, at the outings, the conversations, the freedoms, all things these moms and kids do and know that they simply aren't an option for us. It's hard to admit. It's harder to accept. And that's where I am. Learning to accept. Because this is part of God's plan and He knows what He's doing.

I don't want my friends to tiptoe around this or not tell me about things their children do or say just because it points to some glaring disparity in abilities. I'm not jealous and I am mature enough to be truly happy for others no matter my circumstances.

Let's face it - Arden has autism. She isn't potty trained. I accept that it isn't bad parenting - she just isn't ready. Bad parenting, in my view, would be if I forced her to do something when she isn't ready, autism or not. And I have to say I'm really proud of my mommy friends who share without editing or making assumptions about what Arden or our family can or can't do. And by the same token, I'm going to be honest (hopefully gracious, too!) about those things.

I know Arden is amazing. Our RDI consultant, Allison, says she is "dangerously smart." Her pre-k reacher marvels at how much she knows and the funny things she says. She started reading this week. How's that for smart? Reading before 3-and-a-half?!

Obviously, I'm not saying this to show other mothers up. I'm not. I don't put this stuff on Facebook just to brag, though it probably seems like it. The fact is, I am celebrating what we have because this is what we have. And every child's success is worth celebrating.

(And you can bet that when the potty training is complete, we have having a HUGE party. You're invited.)

First Thing This Morning

The girls were crowding me and each other in the bed.

I was tired. The bed was warm. I cracked my eyes open. 

There is some rough snuggling and tumbling and wrestling happening that reminds me of a pair of puppies. Which involves teeth, burrowing under pillows, an elbow in my neck, and a heel in my kidney.

I try distracting them. "Girls, are you ready for breakfast?"

Arden sat up, "Ine hungry."

Leslie follows her lead, "I hondree." She has stopped trying to pull Arden's hair with her toes, at least.

"Okay, how about some cereal and bananas?"

Leslie, "Okay, Mama! Out da bed! Out da bed, Mama!"

I'm stalling. The bed is warm and the house is not. "So, you want cereal and fruit, then?"

Leslie, "Oh! 'Course!"

Well, then.

Engaged Learning

 Paraphrasing an article assigned this week in our RDI family training:

ENGAGED LEARNING is an active process, evidenced by the extraction and adaptation of pertinent information. It is a strategic acquisition and effective organization of knowledge which is then transferred in creative problem solving.

Engaged Leaning is interactive, allowing for co-construction of knowledge. (This aspect of EL is especially intriguing. Does co-construction provide for a more powerful encoding? Why? Just fascinating.) The tasks are  project-, problem-, and/or goal-based. (Helps in constructing a task to think of it with this in mind! Also explains why the RDI parent training is set up this way!)

An Engaged Learner is curious, not for the sake of curiosity but for the application of knowledge that is the result of the discovery, the exploration. An Engaged Learner is not intimidated by the unknown but empowered to observe, to think, to test, and to try again. 

Some in the pages of history would be Thomas Edison, Winston Churchill, and Julia Child, all of whom have quotations attributed to them along the lines of never giving up and the joy is in the journey.

A setting conducive to engaged learning is more a laboratory, less a lecture hall; more an art studio, less a museum. 

The importance of discovery is not just the discovery but also (or sometimes more importantly) the process of reaching it. 

Autism Awareness/ Acceptance

Happy World Autism Awareness Day! I have been touched by the wonderful, thoughtful friends and family members who have posted on Facebook and Instagram that they are wearing blue in honor of today.

I am reading about how a lot of autism parents and adults with autism hate today. I understand how they can feel that it is exploitative or even heartless because the focus can be suffering and disability instead of celebrating and accepting those with autism as they are and offering support in navigating a world that can be difficult and lonely. 

Those with autism aren't broken and they don't need to be fixed. (In fact, I think the notion of a cure is pointless... but that's for another post.) I don't see Arden's autism as a disability, per se. Yes, we have difficulty communicating. Yes, she is benefiting from therapies and interventions. Yes, she is significantly different and developmentally delayed when compared to three-year-olds. But, then again, she isn't all that different. She loves Sesame Street, puzzles, and going to the park. She likes school. She loves to sing, pick flowers, and eat cookies. She is a person, with strengths and weaknesses.

For me, it's been a day where friends and family have stepped up and let me know that they know we are dealing with something big. They have asked how they can include, educate, and love on our children and family. They have been actively seeking education for themselves. They have taken a day of Awareness and made it into more - a day about acceptance and myth-busting. And that is awesome.

Light it up Blue for Autism Awareness.

Overheard Today

Arden, draping a fuzzy scarf over her favorite stuffed toy: "Here you go, Ladybug. Sit tight."

Leslie: "Go potty now, Mama! Go potty now!"
"No, you just want to play in the toilet."
"Tie-let, tie-let, tie-LET!"

Arden, as I discovered just how gross her dirty diaper was, "Oh, gosh! Oh, man. Awww, man! Gross."

Arden, dancing around the kitchen as I was making waffles and eggs for supper: "Mmmmmm-mmmmm! Such de-wish-us food!"

Leslie, running to the front door upon seeing Daddy coming up the walk: "Open up, Daddy! Open up!"

Connecting - A Peek Into (Part of) Our Day

Today's "therapy time" together at home consisted of the song "If You're Happy and You Know It" - a favorite - but I (Jessica) changed the actions - rub your belly, pat your head, pinch your nose, touch your ear. She watched me (I waited to do the actions until she did), made a lot of eye contact, stayed engaged until near the end. More importantly to me, she was listening. When I made up a new, funny action, she smiled.

A little later, she was very affectionate, giving lots of kisses and even snuggling on the couch with me for about 10 minutes with very little wiggling (and my little sensory-seeking girl hates being still!). What it tells me is that she likes the connection we made earlier, she feels safe, she wants to be in the same space with me.

A bit later in the morning, when we were playing with Sesame Street stickers, I asked her to identify the "blue guy" on her hand. She smiled but wouldn't answer, so I asked, "Is it Oscar? Is it Snuffy? Is it Rosita?" I waited for her answer each time, which came pretty quickly: "No...," accompanied by a grin. When I asked, "Is it Cookie Monster?" She said an enthusiastic, "Yes!"

This all sounds so simple and insignificant but Arden rarely answers "yes" or "no" questions and so for her to do so consistently is incredible. Add to it that she is appreciating the novelty I'm introducing (instead of turning away), seeking to give and receive affection unprompted, and even getting a bit tickled by a silly situation - !!! - hard to describe the feeling I get but it's addicting!

This therapy is working! It's incredible to see her mind already expanding, making discoveries. Thanks to all of our supporters - you need to know this is amazing and powerful and making a huge difference for our little girl! We have a very long road ahead but little victories like these give us SO much hope and encouragement.